carpe decorum

Mystery Science Theater Opens Near You

The beginning of a whole summer's offering of wretched movies. Today we saw Van Helsing, a vampire-Frankenstein-werewolf movie, so marvelously bad a friend wishes to own it. Some signs of a superior bad movie:

• You remember the cgi scripts from another bad movie.
• The werewolf costumes were better before computer animation. Did I mention one werewolf resembled Anubis?
• The heroine braves dangers, vampires, falls, harpies, fire, and running into stone walls, only to expire unexpectedly on a soft couch for no apparent reason. The audience responded by laughing at the absurdity.
• When vampires reproduce, gargoyles result.
• The movie contains Ewoks (okay these had sharp teeth and 1940s motorcycle goggles and worked for the bad guys, but they still looked liked Ewoks).

In any case, on to Troy.